It’s common to put off giving feedback, wanting to get it just right. That hesitation is a signal your heart’s in the right place. You want your feedback to be true, useful, and kind.
Giving feedback is one of the hardest things we do at work—and one of the most important. In this episode, we share a simple, practical approach to giving feedback that’s more likely to be true, useful, and kind.
You’ll learn:
- How to ground feedback in what you actually observed
- Why asking permission makes feedback more effective
- What makes feedback kind without watering it down
- How to handle the conversations you’ve been avoiding
Whether you’re a leader, coach, teammate, or friend, this episode will help you speak up in a way that builds trust and creates change.
Need a framework to guide feedback on work products? Check out the Humanizing Work Feedback Process.
Episode Transcript
Richard: What makes giving feedback so hard? We put it off, not sure how to bring it up without making things awkward. We rehearse it in our heads, but never find the right moment, or we bite our tongues until it builds up and comes out sideways, too strong, too vague, or too late.
Peter: All that hesitation is a signal that our heart’s in the right place. We want our feedback to pass what Socrates called the Triple Filter Test and what the Buddha described as Right Speech, namely that it be true, useful, and kind. We want it to be true, but we’re afraid we’re missing key details or maybe only we’re seeing part of the picture. We want it to be useful, but we worry it’ll land wrong and the other person will react emotionally or shut down. We want it to be kind, but not so sugarcoated that it doesn’t help.
Richard: Since each of these: true, useful, and kind, are challenging in their own way, we’ll walk through each one and offer specific, practical ways to make your feedback more likely to have that characteristic. How to ground your feedback in what you actually saw, how to say it clearly and at the right time, and how to share it in a way that serves the other person and the work you’re doing together.
Peter: Before we explore each of those attributes, a quick note that this episode is brought to you by the Humanizing Work Company, where we help organizations improve their leadership, product management, and collaboration. Visit humanizing work.com to learn more about our workshops, coaching and online courses, or to bring us in to support your team.
Richard: If you get value from the show and you wanna support it, the best thing you can do if you’re watching on YouTube is subscribe, like this episode, click the bell icon to get notified of new episodes, and drop us a comment with your thoughts on today’s topic. If you’re listening to the podcast, a five star review makes a huge difference in whether other people who’d benefit from the show find it or not.
Okay. Our first filter is to make sure our feedback is true. Feedback is more likely to be true when it’s grounded in what actually happened and when it creates space to consider multiple perspectives. We have three tips to help make that happen. First, give feedback on concrete things. What someone said, did, wrote, decided; things you could point a camera at.
Don’t give feedback about personality traits, pattern, or identity. If your feedback includes a label like, “You’re two Analytical,” or makes a big generalization, like, “you always…” even if it feels accurate, it probably won’t help. Labels and generalizations turn feedback into judgments, and judgments usually trigger defensiveness.
Peter: Second, use the right tool for the type of feedback for feedback on things like work products, tasks, and deliverables. We developed the Humanizing Work Feedback Process to help us all give feedback well in that situation. It keeps feedback grounded, safe, and specific. So check it out if you haven’t yet. For feedback on behavior, we like to use something like the NonViolent Communication pattern, where you describe what you observed, share how it impacted you personally, and then make a clear request while staying open to counter proposals.
Richard: And while these tools are helpful, especially if you have some time to prepare to give the feedback, you don’t have to follow a script to get some benefit in the moment when you can’t remember the exact pattern. Just stay anchored in what you actually saw and what you’re hoping for.
Peter: And the third tip to make your feedback more likely to be true is to get curious about their perspective. Instead of, “you shouldn’t have done this,” or, “in the future you should do that,” make your feedback sound more like, “here’s what I noticed, what was going on for you?” That shifts the feedback from a one-sided critique to a collaborative conversation about how to get better outcomes.
Richard: For example, after a 10 stakeholder meeting, you might say in a one-on-one conversation with somebody, “when you jumped in with your opinion, while she was still finishing asking her question, I noticed her body language change. I’m wondering if that hurt the rapport we were building. What did you see? What was going on for you in that moment?” This helps make it clear that you’re on their side and you just want to get a better outcome in the future.
Peter: Okay. The second attribute to strive for in our feedback is to make it useful. To make that more likely, don’t delay the feedback, ask permission to give it, and then make your feedback clear and specific.
When we notice something we wanna give feedback on, there’s a risk of waiting for the perfect moment to give that feedback. That’s just a wish that will rarely come true. Delaying usually just causes our memory of the details to get fuzzy and the awareness of the impact to fade a little bit. So give it soon.
The closer you are to the moment you noticed it, the more likely it is to land. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to give feedback immediately. It just means give it within hours or days, not weeks or months. You can take enough time to plan how to share your feedback effectively, then bring it up while the trigger for the feedback is still fresh.
Richard: Since you’re bringing it up in a timely way, though the other person may not yet be ready to hear it. So ask permission, say something like, “is now a good time for some feedback?” Or, “can I share something that’s been bothering me?” If they say no, say, “got it. When would be a good time?” You’re not letting them off the hook, but you’re giving them some control over the timing.
Peter: At this point, be sure to use the prior advice about making the feedback true. Then be clear about what you want. Don’t beat around the bush. Share your advice directly. Make a clear request if you have one, a clear bit of advice or request that follows the permission and observations from the last step, doesn’t mean your feedback’s a mandate, it gives them something specific to consider.
Richard: And if you’re not clear on what change you want, you just know you want something, you’re better off starting a conversation than delaying it until everything is clear. Just get started saying something like, “Hey, here’s something I noticed and I’m not sure what to do with it. Is it okay if we chat about that now?”
Peter: The final attribute of good feedback is that it is kind. Now, kind feedback isn’t always soft. In fact, some of the most important and impactful feedback I’ve ever received didn’t feel that kind in the moment. I remember years ago I was in a problem solving leadership workshop led by the great Jerry Weinberg and Esther Derby during a full day simulation with the whole class.
I got frustrated with what I saw as an overly conservative group leader. So I tried to work around them to take initiative and be creative and move things forward. When Jerry noticed what I was up to, he looked at me with a little twinkle in his eye and said, “you’re not the appointed leader here. You need to let them lead.”
And then he sent me literally to simulation jail, an empty coat closet adjacent to the main conference room. And I sat there for the rest of the exercise, which ran for hours, seething at being pulled out of the activity. Watching the group work through the simulation challenges without me. At the time it stung, I was kind of embarrassed. But that moment has stayed with me for years. It was honest, it was direct, and it was deeply kind because it helped me see something I couldn’t see on my own. Thanks, Jerry. We miss your wisdom and care.
Richard: And what Jerry did there is a great example of kind feedback. It wasn’t about avoiding discomfort, it was about helping someone grow. Kindness in feedback means offering it in service of the other person or the shared work, not in service of your need to be liked, to be right or to stay in control.
Sugarcoating your feedback or giving the often suggested and pretty much never useful ‘feedback sandwich’ might feel kind, especially if you hate making people feel uncomfortable, but vague softened feedback leaves people stuck. Real kindness is trusting the other person to hear your perspective and grow from it, even if it’s hard in the moment.
Peter: The more direct the feedback, the more important it is that the other person really senses that you care about them. You don’t have to choose between honesty and compassion, but speaking calmly, staying present, using simple language and letting them see you’re on their side through what you say and how you say it.
Jerry’s lesson, that there are times to let others lead, to see other perspectives on leadership and to quit being so dang sure I’m right and they’re wrong, was delivered with a wry Smile that I still look back on with fondness despite the difficulty of what it meant to me at the time.
Richard: Yeah, giving feedback doesn’t have to feel like walking a tightrope between biting your tongue and just unloading on people.
When you focus on what you actually saw, offer it with clarity, and speak in service of the other person or the shared commitment, feedback becomes a tool for growth and a way to build trust, not tension.
Peter: Try these tips with that conversation you’ve been putting off, the one you’ve been rehearsing in your head, maybe venting about to a friend or quietly hoping that it will just magically fix itself.
Make it true by anchoring it in concrete observations and curiosity. Make it useful by offering it soon with permission and with a clear request opinion or piece of advice. And make it kind not by sugarcoating it, but by ensuring it serves their growth and success, not your ego.
Richard: Thanks for tuning into the Humanizing Work Show and we’ll see you next time.
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